Gizmo had two movies going on the two big screens at the 3Monkeys bar.

Blade Runner vs. The Fifth Element.

It was too close to call. I had to think quickly; essentially, use two sides of my brain simultaneously, independently, just like the two big screens at the 3Monkeys.

Blade Runner has depth. Rutger Hauer saves Harrison Ford from falling to his death, showing us how he reveres all life, human and replicant.

If you don’t recognize the term replicant, then you should really try to watch Blade Runner on a cable network. (If you don’t have cable, you probably are a replicant.) The director, Ridley Scott, did such a great job with this film that you felt like Ridley was your friend. You watch the film noticing neat stuff, nodding and smiling, like Ridley could see you there, so happy to be along for the ride.

It’s much like the feeling Wal-Mart gets when they sell you a frozen pizza that you really enjoy.

So Rutger Hauer is more human than the humans trying to nab him. And Ford winces when he realizes that the replicant is more poet than monster.

"All I've seen will be lost, like, like, ah-hem, like tears in the rain." (Or “tears in rain.” There is a battle over what Rutger actually says in the film. To vote for tears in the rain, text 000000000000001; to vote for tears in rain, text 000000000000002.)

And the tear thing wasn't even the best line in Blade Runner. That was at the very end, when Ford says about his replicant girlfriend, "We didn't know how long we had together. Who does?"

They shot several endings for that film. I saw the director's cut years ago and really enjoyed knowing it was what the director wanted. (“Way to go, Ridley,” I shouted to no one in particular.)

Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? was the original title, from a short story by Phillip K. Dick, like you didn't know that.

But I also loved The Fifth Element. As with Blade Runner, I laughed and I cried.

The Fifth Element also had a believable bad guy (Gary Oldman at his best/worst) and, as a quirky bonus, the flick featured metrosexuals.

So, it had something for both political parties.

The Fifth Element had  … what, you’re offended by the last few lines? You know my motto: if I don’t offend you in this blog, I didn’t do it on purpose.

Or I could use Big Lee’s motto: “Of course. Relax.”

One of my favorite movie scenes of all time is in The Fifth Element. (Number One is the scene where Michael Corleone finds the gun behind the toilet and kills the police chief in The Godfather, of course.) I’m referring to the scene where Gary Oldman grabs the space-doggy alien’s face to make a point, like we would do if wanted to explain to a cocker spaniel how it’s not OK to pee on the prize-winning rose bushes again.

I read where writer-director Luc Besson sold the rights to his Euro-hit, The Professional, and used the money to produce The Fifth Element himself, with no outside interference.

I guess there are two ways to really get ahead in the film industry. (1) Write a tremendous screenplay, so original that, after you make it here,  you’re able to sell it to producers in other countries so they can re-make it in their languages. (2) The second way is to become a stripper, write a blog about stripping, then find some sleazy movie producer to finance your one and only script.

To recap: the choices are: (a) Write a good script or (b) become a stripper (see last week’s blog). As Rickie Lee Jones sang (see next week’s blog), “Don’t give it away if they don’t appreciate it.”

-- Don Rutberg