Tom Waits, a man whom I admire and hope I never get to meet, so I don’t ruin the trust, wrote a song called “Step Right Up.” In it, the piano player belts out every cheap pitch-line in the history of civilization. “Everyone’s a winner. Bargains galore. Act now! It slices, it dices. It’s the only product you will ever need!” Uh-huh. He actually makes that claim, along with “Removes embarrassing stains ….” And he’s the same guy who wrote, “Ol’ 55,” a beautiful, calming tune made famous by The Eagles.

Tom Waits knows a shill when he sees one. He doesn’t like used car salesman; don’t try to sell him insurance, even if you’re Stephen Tobolowsky in “Ground Hog Day.”

In what was a frightening moment, I came terribly close to meeting Tom in the late 1970’s, in Los Angeles. We had mutual friends. I told these friends, Debbie and Stella, how I admired Waits’ songs and owned his records. And the girls said, “Then you shouldn’t meet him.”

“No way,” Debbie said, like a Valley Girl with a Boston accent.

We all agreed I should never meet him so I didn’t … and it’s worked out well, so far.

Debbie, BTW, changed her name to Barbara Swanson in the 1980’s. In 1990, I saw her perform a comedy act in Hampton Beach, NH. In her thickest Boston accent, she blurted out, “Ooo ma-gawhd, Dawn, you’ve gawt grey hay-ah.”

I had no idea what she said. Years later, I realized she had been referring to my graying hair. I was 34.

Debbie, BTW, was an actress. I would like to reveal to you my theory on the differences between actors and writers. Here it is: whereas I, a writer, wanted to show my scripts to every producer west of the Rockies, Debbie, an actress, did not want to audition for the likes of Lee Strausberg and other acting slash coaching legends.

Writer’s say, “Read it!”

Actors say, “I’m not sure it’s authentic yet. I’ll do the act next month or probably next year.”

While I never met Tom Waits, my subconscious apparently wants to do so. Last night, I dreamt that I met him. In this dream, I went up to a musician after a concert and told him how I admired his work. But this musician was another guy named Tom Waits, not the man who wrote “Step Right Up” and “Ol’ ‘55.” A moment later, in this dream, I met the “real” Tom Waits. He told me that Debbie and Stella had gained a lot of weight. I replied, “Gosh, it’s been 25 years since I’ve seen them.” Then I told Tom that the reason I loved his song “Ol’ ‘55” was because I was born in 1955. He didn’t seem to care what I thought about his song. He packed up his case and shrugged at me. See? That’s exactly why you don’t want to meet people whom you admire. They are rude egomaniacs – even when you meet them in dreams!

The dream notwithstanding, Tom Waits clearly knows a bogus offer when he sees one. Well, I may have just seen one.

I know this is a bogus offer. It’s from the same guy who, five years ago, under a different corporate name, wanted to charge me $10k to be my manager and asked if I had “outside income” like a trust fund or an un-cashed lottery ticket. Huh? Anyway, six months after I sent a query letter to this supposedly legitimate producer, this “Mr. Outside Income” guy, he wrote back to me.

“Dear Don Rutberg, We received the query you sent for screenplays awhile back.  We are sorry, but (XYZ Pictures) develops only interactive scripts written in house.  We hope you have had good fortune with your work.  Your subject matter is very interesting to us, being Saratoga racing fans as well as baseball fans.  We hope you have had good fortune with your work.”

I know what you’re thinking. Was that a fortune cookie I got last night? Or was it really part of their letter?

It was actually in the letter. And then they got chummy.

”We do want to inform you of a valuable service we are making available to independent screenwriters and project developers at this time.”

I began to wonder what we all wonder in our formative years; am I more of an independent screenwriter or project developer “at this time.”

Here are some highlights (?) from the producer’s letter:

“Should you feel the need to sharpen the focus of and/or enrich one of your script projects, this service is designed to help unleash the creative potential of material written for the screen … Hollywood’s foremost script specialists … will study your script and thoroughly analyze its full potential in a telephone conference (which you may tape). During this conference … define and clarify such necessary components as Recognition and Revelation scenes, character objectives, rising acting, climactic endings, all in terms of a central agon (the dramatic issue at the heart of the work).”

Agon is a word I hadn’t heard since 1977. It caught my attention and made me shout, “Who is this idiot?”

“Rather than tear down, we will suggest building blocks for the writer to work with. The idea is to enrich the dramatic material, to make it even better … work is done in secret.  Confidentiality is assured.”

What? It’s a total secret? Why? Who cares? Confidentiality regarding what? Hyphenating an adverb? The use of bad structure in a comedy? As Monk would ask, “Who’s in charge here?”

“As you can imagine, these are time-consuming projects and we can take on only a few clients at a time.”

When you read offers like the one above, do yourself a favor and delete the email. That’s my central agon.

-- Don Rutberg