DIRECTOR’S CORNER

A local film producer is in the news. His new film, “The Unknown Trilogy” debuted recently. Wait a minute. How can it be unknown when we know it’s a trilogy? Plus, we know the names of all three stories. So what’s the unknown part? The time it takes to watch the show? “The Unknown Trilogy – 90 Minutes Long” would be … too much info. I worked with the actor/ producer of this movie years ago. I genuinely wish him the best of luck in all his films and I give him credit for consistently generating a ton of PR and throwing great cast parties. (His Super Bowl parties were also very good.) But he needs a better title.

Flashback to 1995. The producer of “The Unknown Trilogy” and I were at a music convention in San Diego. I know what you’re thinking – why would a writer and an actor/ producer go to a music convention? We went because my wife was related to the music exec running the convention. And Michael Jackson was going to perform. When Hunter Thompson said, “It can’t get weird enough for me,” he forgot about Michael Jackson.

The music exec (and everyone else) told us about the one, unbreakable rule: “No pictures of Michael, please!”

So the first thing we set out to do was take pictures of Michael Jackson. It was like summer camp and all we wanted to do was act like teenagers and make each other laugh at the other’s antics.

At one point, a guy we called “Vladimir” tried to sit at our table, which was the head table. When I said the table was already filled with the music exec’s family members, “Vladimir” uttered the infamous, “You Vant to F*** Vith me?”

“All I’m saying is Aunt Lilly should sit with her daughter and son-in-law,” I replied.

“Vladimir” never followed through on his threats. I convinced my producer buddy not to do any good-natured dunking of “Vladimir” in the piranha tank out at Sea World.

We never sold our movies in San Diego in 1995. We never sold the forbidden pictures of Michael Jackson, either. Believe me, we tried.

And if you happen to come across those illicit photos of Michael Jackson from the music convention in SD in ’95, if you see them on eBay and start the machinations to purchase said forbidden pics in some sleazy deal, meeting in a cheap motel in a town completely forgotten by reasonable folks … hold on a sec. I’ll get you a better deal. Buy those pics from me. I’m a click away. You know me. Why look elsewhere? Why pay more?

DIRECTOR’S CORNER – PART II

So I’m watching a horse race on TV. No big deal, right? I leave the Vizio on the racing channel all the time. But this time, I see a terrible incident where the horse busts through the gate a la Barbaro in the 2006 Preakness Stakes and a few jockeys go flying. Except I barely get to see them go flying because the director and cameraman won’t let me see the incident! They move the camera so that all we can see is a bird standing on the grass. The accident is too horrible, in their estimation, for viewers’ eyes.

Know what that’s like? That’s like Fox not showing us the roughing the quarterback penalty. That’s like ESPN not letting us see a collision at home plate or NBC not showing any parts of a hockey fight.

“No! Turn the camera. Those hockey players are pushing and shoving. Noooo! It’s too painful to watch!”

Or ….

Imagine you’re watching a cooking show and the chef burns the chicken in the pot! “AAaarrghh! Turn the cameras off! No! Don’t let the viewers see! Oh, the humanity!”

And we’d never know about the burnt chicken – because the director and cameraman had the power to decide what was and was not too painful for our eyes.

Hey, directors and cameramen out there. If you want to censor all that we watch, move to a place where they have state-run TV stations. Then, you and your cronies can make decisions about what people can and can not see. Otherwise, get your freakin’ hands off the control panel!

-- Don Rutberg